The Land of the Living

I will say this, Mark died of a heart attack because it must have broken his heart to leave Sheila.

It has been the most difficult time and the most spiritual time in our lives. For a moment, heaven was so close I could feel it on earth. Angels surrounded us. I can tell you I've never felt such intense presence and closeness to God. It was as if our vision was unclouded and we were allowed a glimmer of the eternal picture and the plan of salvation. Our sadness was accompanied by an eternal joy I couldn't have felt or comprehended before.

It's been difficult to enter the real world for me, not because of the grief or the changes we face, but because as we do enter the land of the living, heaven has receded its arms and I feel so far away from the other side. I feel the veil being drawn and my knowledge relying more on faith.

When the news began to spread about Quinn's dad, someone said something I didn't understand at the beginning of all this, he said this was a "special time." I remember thinking this was a night mirror, the antithesis of special, but he is right. Looking back from the moment we received the news in the hospital to the last amen of the final dedicatory prayer at the grave sight, we engaged in the most special enlightening week I have felt. Mark's death has been life affirming for us. We have learned so much about the atonement, our Savior, the gospel, and the presence of a spirit world on earth. Our experience has been sacred and we will treasure it as a foothold of strength to propel us through the mountainous climb ahead.

We have had countless confirmations of peace. We have felt love and service from unnumbered friends, and we have beheld miracles. Thank you to everyone for your friendship and concern. I have heard people say before that they could feel the strength of prayers on their behalf but I never understood that it was a tangible force to be reckoned with. I have absolutely felt the power of thousands of prayers. I have felt a physical undeniable lift from them.

I know without doubt there is life after death. I know there is an eternal plan. I believe with resolution that the atonement is real and available. I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I understand that doubt lessens our ability to convert faith into knowledge and blocks our right to find truth in the LDS religion. Doubt limits our ability to receive inspiration and limits privileges to feel the spirit world on earth. I have assuredy that I have found truth and marvel in the comfort it provides.

I have affirmation that Mark is working now. He is busy, but not gone. We have felt him looking in and guiding many large and hard decisions. We have felt him maintaining his patriarchal role in our family. Now it is up to us to live so that we may be worthy to join him again. We must be selfless, unassuming, devoid of offense, and non-judgemental. We must be like Christ. We must strive to gain the perspective of this experience back and exemplify a life that would be worthy to always feel the presence of heaven that we were allowed a glimmer of the week Mark died. It was so easy to let go of trite attributes when the veil was so thin. Now we must achieve the same experience by becoming worthy of it on our own. In order to feel heaven on earth again, we must forget the concerns and habits of the world.

Mark's heart may have broken to leave, but in doing so he healed the hearts of those he left.